Here's a jump-start on Valentine's Day. I don't know how to say it more delicately so here goes:
Men, there are needy men who admire your wife. Women, there needy women who watch your husband. They are not seeing the tousle-headed, morning-breath person who leaves dirty socks on the floor. They are seeing the spiffy, get-up-and-go-to-church-with-a-Colgate-smile person. This is not the man or woman you live with (granted).
Said another way, Men, your wife may be one of those needy women looking at other men. Women, your husband may be one of those needy men looking at other women.
The way you love and treat your spouse reflects your love and respect for our Savior. Read it again. The way you love and treat your spouse reflects your love and respect for our Savior. If Jesus was your spouse, would you talk to Him that way? Talk about Him that way? Treat Him that way? You are the first line of defense for your marriage. If you aren't loving and serving and caring--if you aren't the best deal on the planet for your spouse--you stand to lose a great deal. Your marriage and the way your live with your spouse is a better reflection of your spiritual health than any other ministry.
This does not (NOT) mean that you are at fault if your spouse has committed adultery. We make choices and live with the consequences. That spouse made a choice. God allowed it. And I cannot express in words how sorry I am for your loss and chaos. God hates divorce because He loves people.
For that reason, those of us who are married need to take one another seriously. If we love and serve the Lord, we will seek to love and serve our spouse biblically: men will love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her. Women will submit to and follow their husbands the way the Church is called to submit to and follow Christ (Ephesians 5:24-25).
So what does that look like in ministry? I hope many of these are self-evident:
1) Love God first and foremost. When God is my priority, I spend time with Him--reading His Word daily and praying. By living to please Him we fulfill our design in all parts of life and He meets needs we didn't know we had! (Matthew 6:33). You and I are also more attractive to our spouse as we draw close to the Lord. There's something irresistibly sexy (if I may) about a godly man or woman--especially within marriage!
2) Love your mate. Don't check out already. This seems obvious so let me ask, how does your spouse know you love him/her? God showed us His love by giving His Son. He gave. He sacrificed. He continues to give in tangible and intangible ways (Romans 8:32). So how (or what) have you given your spouse recently that was costly? Time? Attention? Thoughtfulness? A personalized gift?
3) Stand by your man--or woman. Literally. Women, sit with your husband in church and at gatherings. Husbands, sit with your wife during worship services and small group. Needy people are watching and interacting. Again, that doesn't make them bad, but they are looking for a place to belong. Let them belong with both of you.
4) Give the same message. If someone were to ask either of you a question, the answer should be the same regardless of whom they ask. If you know your husband/wife would disagree, ask for time and confer privately. Others need to see you make unified decisions-and you need to practice submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21).
5) Serve together. Yes, you are individuals and you probably have different gifts. Use them to make a unified contribution to your local church and community, not separate ones. Believers form incredible bonds of friendship as they serve together--that's the way God intended it (Ephesians 4:13). Don't squander the opportunity to grow with your spouse (or make provision for someone else to form that relationship in your place).
6) Don't serve the opposite sex as an individual. There are women looking for (and thinking they need) a surrogate spiritual husband. Some men are looking for appreciate, attractive surrogate wives. To serve someone of the opposite gender without the very real, physical presence of your spouse should shout, "Warning! Warning!" even if it's done in public. Guard the length and depth of conversation with members of the opposite sex (Proverbs 4:23).
7) Follow your God-given roles and responsibilities. Sometimes (many times?) it seems easier to just do what needs to be done. But that's not what honors God. Our trust is evident in our willingness to obey His design and commands, leaving the results to Him. Men lead. Women follow. It's not wrong. It's not bad. It's counter-cultural. Functioning within our roles and responsibilities shows His glory, not ours (which is paltry and flaky at best).
8) Speak well of one another. When you speak poorly of your spouse, it makes other men/women feel sorry for them (really!). Women will sympathize with your husband; men will sympathize with your wife. Your spouse will appear more long-suffering and forbearing than you realize because they live with you: the one who's complaining (Philippians 2:14-15). Keep faults where they belong: in the loving, caring context of your life together.
Your spouse is a "one another." The closest one another you have. As a husband or wife, you have an obligation and calling to keep your relationship pure and protect it.
Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.(Ephesians 5:15-33 NASB)
Men, there are needy men who admire your wife. Women, there needy women who watch your husband. They are not seeing the tousle-headed, morning-breath person who leaves dirty socks on the floor. They are seeing the spiffy, get-up-and-go-to-church-with-a-Colgate-smile person. This is not the man or woman you live with (granted).
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| courtesy of karenbrownny.com.jpg |
Said another way, Men, your wife may be one of those needy women looking at other men. Women, your husband may be one of those needy men looking at other women.
The way you love and treat your spouse reflects your love and respect for our Savior. Read it again. The way you love and treat your spouse reflects your love and respect for our Savior. If Jesus was your spouse, would you talk to Him that way? Talk about Him that way? Treat Him that way? You are the first line of defense for your marriage. If you aren't loving and serving and caring--if you aren't the best deal on the planet for your spouse--you stand to lose a great deal. Your marriage and the way your live with your spouse is a better reflection of your spiritual health than any other ministry.
This does not (NOT) mean that you are at fault if your spouse has committed adultery. We make choices and live with the consequences. That spouse made a choice. God allowed it. And I cannot express in words how sorry I am for your loss and chaos. God hates divorce because He loves people.
For that reason, those of us who are married need to take one another seriously. If we love and serve the Lord, we will seek to love and serve our spouse biblically: men will love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her. Women will submit to and follow their husbands the way the Church is called to submit to and follow Christ (Ephesians 5:24-25).
So what does that look like in ministry? I hope many of these are self-evident:
1) Love God first and foremost. When God is my priority, I spend time with Him--reading His Word daily and praying. By living to please Him we fulfill our design in all parts of life and He meets needs we didn't know we had! (Matthew 6:33). You and I are also more attractive to our spouse as we draw close to the Lord. There's something irresistibly sexy (if I may) about a godly man or woman--especially within marriage!
2) Love your mate. Don't check out already. This seems obvious so let me ask, how does your spouse know you love him/her? God showed us His love by giving His Son. He gave. He sacrificed. He continues to give in tangible and intangible ways (Romans 8:32). So how (or what) have you given your spouse recently that was costly? Time? Attention? Thoughtfulness? A personalized gift?
3) Stand by your man--or woman. Literally. Women, sit with your husband in church and at gatherings. Husbands, sit with your wife during worship services and small group. Needy people are watching and interacting. Again, that doesn't make them bad, but they are looking for a place to belong. Let them belong with both of you.
4) Give the same message. If someone were to ask either of you a question, the answer should be the same regardless of whom they ask. If you know your husband/wife would disagree, ask for time and confer privately. Others need to see you make unified decisions-and you need to practice submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21).
5) Serve together. Yes, you are individuals and you probably have different gifts. Use them to make a unified contribution to your local church and community, not separate ones. Believers form incredible bonds of friendship as they serve together--that's the way God intended it (Ephesians 4:13). Don't squander the opportunity to grow with your spouse (or make provision for someone else to form that relationship in your place).
6) Don't serve the opposite sex as an individual. There are women looking for (and thinking they need) a surrogate spiritual husband. Some men are looking for appreciate, attractive surrogate wives. To serve someone of the opposite gender without the very real, physical presence of your spouse should shout, "Warning! Warning!" even if it's done in public. Guard the length and depth of conversation with members of the opposite sex (Proverbs 4:23).
7) Follow your God-given roles and responsibilities. Sometimes (many times?) it seems easier to just do what needs to be done. But that's not what honors God. Our trust is evident in our willingness to obey His design and commands, leaving the results to Him. Men lead. Women follow. It's not wrong. It's not bad. It's counter-cultural. Functioning within our roles and responsibilities shows His glory, not ours (which is paltry and flaky at best).
8) Speak well of one another. When you speak poorly of your spouse, it makes other men/women feel sorry for them (really!). Women will sympathize with your husband; men will sympathize with your wife. Your spouse will appear more long-suffering and forbearing than you realize because they live with you: the one who's complaining (Philippians 2:14-15). Keep faults where they belong: in the loving, caring context of your life together.
Your spouse is a "one another." The closest one another you have. As a husband or wife, you have an obligation and calling to keep your relationship pure and protect it.
Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.(Ephesians 5:15-33 NASB)
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