When People Hurt: Get Real Don't Get Lost

Our community has suffered loss these last weeks of May. Unexpected death. Young death. And there's been confusion. Grief. Guilt. Gut-wrenching sobs in the night. It's not just in Iowa. It's happening in Oklahoma. In Berlin, Germany. Balashikha, Russia. Fortaleza, Brazil. What's a person to do? A simple, single person?

One mother shared this blog (click here to read) in response and I found it refreshing, convicting, thought-provoking. In her words, "Please don't let me be this mom..."

There's an element of authenticity that is missing in our pews, Sunday school classes, pulpits and homes, the rawness of Jesus escapes our reading of the gospels and fingering of WWJD bracelets. We climb into our dappy-zone bubbles and look out at the world instead of living with our friends, neighbors and coworkers the way Jesus did--does. What would Jesus do?

May we suffer alongside the hurting, feeling their pain, indulging the loss, and sharing the hope of Christ in and through our weakness. Because He's just as real as this sin-cursed world. He's deeper, greater, higher than the despair; He knows the pain and was perfected by suffering. Suffering is not wrong or sinful or shameful. As we come alongside those we love we will be reminded of moments of our own despair, weakness and failure, struggling and wrestling against painful thoughts and emotions; embracing authenticity in place of hypocrisy. That's what Jesus would do. It's what He did. Jesus got real. By His grace, so will we.

"Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."(Hebrews 2:14-18, ESV)

Anger-What to do with it?

Few of us are willing to admit to anger. It's a word we avoid, an emotion we're uncomfortable with, a cloud of hurt, destruction and humiliation. But anger is biblical and real. Knowing how to identify and manage it not only glorifies God, it brings us joy, relief and spiritual maturity.
When we had younger children and the book, "The Heart of Anger," was recommended, I didn't realize I was the problem. Our children were children. My husband is a bonafide husband. And I was a push-over. It wasn't working very well.
The first step to using anger the way God intends is to identify it. Physically, real things are happening--and it's not all in your head. "Chemicals like adrenaline and noradrenaline surge through the body. In the brain, the amygdala, the part of the brain that deals with emotion, is going crazy. It wants to do something, and the time between a trigger event and a response from the amygdala can be a quarter of a second [source: Ellison]. But at the same time, blood flow is increasing to the frontal lobe, specifically the part of the brain that's over the left eye."*
One of the first things I learned was to say, "I'm starting to get angry." That was a cue to those around me--but especially myself--that something needed to change. Even now, I have that intentional thought, and it starts me down the right road.
Second, stop, look and listen. What just happened? Who said what? Why do I feel the way I do? It may mean I need to excuse myself or find a quiet place to think things through. The night my feelings got hurt over cupcakes (sad, but true), I turned my back to the group and worked at the kitchen counter while administering a heart exam/pep talk.
Third, ask God for help applying Scripture to the situation. If it's simply a matter of not getting what I want, it's easy to find Scripture (Matthew 22:39, Romans 12:10). If there's a problem to be solved or God's name and principles have been misused, I need to ask for wisdom (James 1:5).
Fourth, just do it. Confess and repent. Lovingly, sincerely give it up. Talk to the person involved. Solve the problem. Or intentionally wait on God (James 1:3).
A wrong response to anger always damages and destroys others--either blowing up immediately or clamming up at the time and overreacting later. Neither honors God. Neither solves the problem. They don't express supreme love for God and others--but supreme love for self.
Jesus was angry, but He attacked the problem--exploitation in the temple, false teaching by the Pharisees--not the person.** Even in His anger, He directed others back to the Father who desired repentance. Don't overlook the fact that you or I may be the problem that needs change.
Angry? Admit it (it's okay, you should). Stop, look, and listen. Prayerfully apply Scripture. Attack the problem, not the person. Ask forgiveness for the times you've blown it and move on.

Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
    when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
    do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
    but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
    though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
    and enjoy peace and prosperity.

(Psalm 37:1-11)

*http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/anger2.htm
** The words of Dr. Bob Smith, "How to Handle Anger," Faith Biblical Counseling Training Conference, 2008.

A-N-G-E-R is a Five-Letter Word

Irritated works. Frustrated, yes. Ruffled feathers. Ticked. But not "angry." Anger is a five-letter word. In a recent post I admitted to being angry and my guess is that bothered some of you--maybe it still does. Anger is not politically correct. It whiffs of violence, destruction, hatred, malice. We view it as a loss of self-control and balance. I'm learning otherwise.

Anger is a biblical word: “'Be angry, and do not sin': do not let the sun go down on your wrath..."  (Eph. 4:26).  "...let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). God says we'll be angry. He's angry (Nahum 1:2, Romans 1:18). It's an emotion we struggle with, but one with purpose. Perhaps the greatest danger, the one we fall prey to, is failing to call it what it is. When we pansy-foot around, we miss out on the opportunities and overlook the danger.

Anger--righteous or unrighteous--is a natural reaction to a problem. It may flash and resolve itself in an instant or linger and smolder for long periods of time.

In his book, The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo lists sinful manifestations of anger: vengeance, pride, ingratitude, selfishness, boasting, backbiting, gossip, debate, arguing, impatience, and the list goes on*. Shortly after reading his book the first time, I found myself acting in ways he defined as sinful anger, though I never would have used that term for those behaviors.

The words "irritation," "frustration," "ruffled feathers," and "panties in a bundle" are not biblical. When we fail to attach biblical words to sinful thoughts, words and actions, we struggle to learn and grow through Spirit-led conviction. The Spirit uses the Word of God to teach, correct, and train us. If we are unschooled in Scripture, we will remain immature and weak (2 Timothy 3:16-17, John 16:7-15, Ephesians 6:17, Hebrews 5:12-6:1).

As the typical oldest child, complacent and eager to please, I didn't experience an angry childhood. It was easy to stay within bounds and I'm eternally grateful for my parents' protection and training. But as I grew into marriage and parenting, my desires were repeatedly frustrated, denied and run over by a Mack truck. And that--denied desire--is what fuels the heart of anger.

Anger is designed to be a warning light on the dash that says, "Danger! Danger!" It is generally preceded by another emotion (fear, hurt, rejection) which is triggered by an event or memory. To deal effectively with anger, we must first identify it by name and follow it backward to its source.

Instinctive anger--the emotion--rises when I face a threatening emotion or need to solve a problem. It is immediate, demanding a decision. That decision may be right or wrong, but the feeling in and of itself is just that: an emotion.

Unlike instinctive, or emotional, anger, there is the state of "being" angry. This is a choice; a continued response to feelings of anger. Righteous anger flares when God's character and good purpose are slandered or tarnished. We identify righteous anger in Jesus' response to the money changers in the temple. Unfortunately, pure, righteous anger is the least of our worries. Unrighteous anger flares when my expectations are thwarted. Sadly, when I expect to be served, loved, adored, protected, respected, listened to, etc., I am easily angered by anyone or anything that gets in the way. That is my natural state. And that is why I constantly need God to change me and my desires.

Anger, then, is a real word for real life. It happens. But before we can understand and learn how to respond the way Jesus does, in a way that honors God, we must first identify it. This is a good time to learn about yourself and the things that "get under your skin." What kinds of things make you angry? Next week's entry will address where to go from here.

"Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:

“God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up."  James 4:1-10

* A rather comprehensive list of sinful actions and words (with Scripture references) that reflect sinful anger can be found on page 84 of The Heart of Anger. I so appreciated and used this book that I typed up the charts and worksheets, made copies and 3-ring binders for each of our children, and used it as a guide for all of us. I am thankful for godly teachers who present God through practical helps!