A-N-G-E-R is a Five-Letter Word

Irritated works. Frustrated, yes. Ruffled feathers. Ticked. But not "angry." Anger is a five-letter word. In a recent post I admitted to being angry and my guess is that bothered some of you--maybe it still does. Anger is not politically correct. It whiffs of violence, destruction, hatred, malice. We view it as a loss of self-control and balance. I'm learning otherwise.

Anger is a biblical word: “'Be angry, and do not sin': do not let the sun go down on your wrath..."  (Eph. 4:26).  "...let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:19-20). God says we'll be angry. He's angry (Nahum 1:2, Romans 1:18). It's an emotion we struggle with, but one with purpose. Perhaps the greatest danger, the one we fall prey to, is failing to call it what it is. When we pansy-foot around, we miss out on the opportunities and overlook the danger.

Anger--righteous or unrighteous--is a natural reaction to a problem. It may flash and resolve itself in an instant or linger and smolder for long periods of time.

In his book, The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo lists sinful manifestations of anger: vengeance, pride, ingratitude, selfishness, boasting, backbiting, gossip, debate, arguing, impatience, and the list goes on*. Shortly after reading his book the first time, I found myself acting in ways he defined as sinful anger, though I never would have used that term for those behaviors.

The words "irritation," "frustration," "ruffled feathers," and "panties in a bundle" are not biblical. When we fail to attach biblical words to sinful thoughts, words and actions, we struggle to learn and grow through Spirit-led conviction. The Spirit uses the Word of God to teach, correct, and train us. If we are unschooled in Scripture, we will remain immature and weak (2 Timothy 3:16-17, John 16:7-15, Ephesians 6:17, Hebrews 5:12-6:1).

As the typical oldest child, complacent and eager to please, I didn't experience an angry childhood. It was easy to stay within bounds and I'm eternally grateful for my parents' protection and training. But as I grew into marriage and parenting, my desires were repeatedly frustrated, denied and run over by a Mack truck. And that--denied desire--is what fuels the heart of anger.

Anger is designed to be a warning light on the dash that says, "Danger! Danger!" It is generally preceded by another emotion (fear, hurt, rejection) which is triggered by an event or memory. To deal effectively with anger, we must first identify it by name and follow it backward to its source.

Instinctive anger--the emotion--rises when I face a threatening emotion or need to solve a problem. It is immediate, demanding a decision. That decision may be right or wrong, but the feeling in and of itself is just that: an emotion.

Unlike instinctive, or emotional, anger, there is the state of "being" angry. This is a choice; a continued response to feelings of anger. Righteous anger flares when God's character and good purpose are slandered or tarnished. We identify righteous anger in Jesus' response to the money changers in the temple. Unfortunately, pure, righteous anger is the least of our worries. Unrighteous anger flares when my expectations are thwarted. Sadly, when I expect to be served, loved, adored, protected, respected, listened to, etc., I am easily angered by anyone or anything that gets in the way. That is my natural state. And that is why I constantly need God to change me and my desires.

Anger, then, is a real word for real life. It happens. But before we can understand and learn how to respond the way Jesus does, in a way that honors God, we must first identify it. This is a good time to learn about yourself and the things that "get under your skin." What kinds of things make you angry? Next week's entry will address where to go from here.

"Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:

“God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.  Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up."  James 4:1-10

* A rather comprehensive list of sinful actions and words (with Scripture references) that reflect sinful anger can be found on page 84 of The Heart of Anger. I so appreciated and used this book that I typed up the charts and worksheets, made copies and 3-ring binders for each of our children, and used it as a guide for all of us. I am thankful for godly teachers who present God through practical helps!

The Card Box

It's good to share good ideas--and this is one that came across my way years ago that's worth passing on.

On the floor of the broom closet near the kitchen is our card box. It's small enough to pick up and move with ease; large enough to hold cards for various occasions. And it's simple. There are dividers labeled (by hand) for All Occasion, Baby, Birthday, Get Well, Sympathy, Thank You, etc. As opportunities come up, I have cards on hand that are easy to write in, address and pop in the mail that day.
If you are a pastor's or deacon's wife, Bible study leader, or simply someone who cares about others and wants to celebrate and share in others' lives, this is a fabulous investment that's easy to use and maintain.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion." (Romans 12:14-16)

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:23-25)

Martha's Minion

"So I was standing at the sink washing potatoes for the ladies' retreat and wrestling with myself about why I was doing it," my friend admitted over coffee last week.
The three of us talked about how difficult it is to keep pure motives when we serve others--especially at church.
That took us to the topic of people who give gifts with expectations of how they should be used, or how we should respond, or with an extravagance that demands obligation.
Nice conversation. Biblical principles shared, agreed upon. Prayer offered. And we left, each to her day.

 

Disclaimer: Before you read the following, know that the women of our church are wonderful, generous, caring women. We love one another and enjoy serving together, but we all make mistakes. Sometimes we drop the ball. Each of us sins against God and others daily. The following is a real-life vignette of how God used the hot water of people and circumstances to draw out the contents of my teabag, a.k.a. heart.

That evening we met  at church for our ladies' retreat. It was time for the meal and there was miscommunication. Thinking there was a need for dessert, we had baked and counted and baked some more. Someone else brought root beer floats for the same reason. I was frustrated and angry.  As petty as it is, I even thought about the new Tupperware I'd purchased--just for cupcakes. And to find out, it wasn't needed; didn't fit the plan. I was put out. I. Me. My. Pride. My words from that morning echoed, "It's important to give and let go. If you're going to give, give. It doesn't belong to you anymore. If you can't let go, don't give. " The situation wasn't mine and I needed to let it go.

I had offered to play the piano since the other pianists would be out of town. Plans changed and two very capable, able, and enjoyable pianists came. I didn't want to play--and bring cupcakes. But I had offered a gift. I needed to let it go. I sighed, felt pressure to play well...and loudly...and.... Oh, crumb. Pride.

Weeks earlier I thought of an old, old song that fit the theme and had asked, "Would that be helpful?" not thinking (or knowing) about the piano...and cupcakes. "We'd appreciate it," was the answer. This wasn't what I had in mind at all. The microphone malfunctioned. I looked like, felt like, a three-ring circus.

And the theme? Mostly Mary. It was all about choosing that better thing, sitting at Jesus' feet instead of being worried and troubled about many things. Suddenly, I was Martha. I didn't intend to be busy and over committed. I evaluated and reviewed conversations--where did I go wrong?

The speaker addressed serving--that's what Jesus did--but keeping a balance so we don't over-serve and feel used, bitter, resentful, or self-exalting. Oh, boy. I had become the poster child for Martha's Minions--one of her understudies! And as God and I talked about it, I was thankful that He chose to use me, even as a bad example. I am not exempt from sinning or making wrong choices or consequences. Should He choose to use my sin for His purpose, who am I to demand otherwise?

And in that moment, there was peace. And the remembrance of forgiveness and love and grace. It's okay to sin and get caught. That's life. But it's even better to know Christ and live in His love.

"Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; ¹⁰ that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, ¹¹ if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:8-14).