Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Confession of a Recovering People Pleaser

Only be as kind as you are.

After reading Lou Priolo's book, Pleasing People, I realized how much of my life functioned around others: their preferences, schedules, unspoken expectations. Almost everything I did was for, or because of, someone else. When I realized it was okay, godly even, to have preferences, I didn't know what they were. My default answer to "What would you like?" was, "I don't know" or "It doesn't matter. I'm good either way." Suddenly chocolate wasn't my favorite. Blue wasn't my color. It took time and prayer to work through who I was and who I wasn't.

Not falling in line for the sake of wanting to be liked or "nice," affected my relationships with others. I became brutally honest, refusing to flatter or bow to other's opinions. As I worked through what was true and what was not, I was no longer socially pleasing. Or nice. I wasn't kind, loving, or tasteful. I was an honest hot mess, fighting to do what was right and see the world the way it is, not the way people (or I) wanted it to be.

God graciously intervened. Honesty results in being marginalized, set aside, and discounted by others. Yes, God is Truth. He is also Love. I needed to learn the balance between the two. Thus today's proverb: "What is desirable in a man is his kindness, and it is better to be a poor man than a liar." (Proverbs 19:22). If Jewish literature proves true and each phrase defines the other, then we are known by our kindness. But if we cannot be kind, it's better to be friendless and poor. Don't lie as a means of pretending kindness and gaining friends; be who you are.

In my case, that meant I needed to change. Kindness is not a reflection of others; it is a reflection of my own heart, who I am. Kindness means letting go of my agenda and expectations. In kindness, I look for the image of God in others and respond based on who He is, instead of who I am or what I want.

Jesus was not nice. He was kind. And poor. But He was rich in relation to His Father. He was rich in deed. He, Himself, is the source of wealth: "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19).

The answer is not to "be nice" or act kind and lie to myself (and others). The thoughts in my head that are unkind, untrue, ungracious need to be captivated and taken to the cross. There, they must be sorted and my sinful desires crucified, mortified, put to death. Only then can I be lovingly, genuinely kind.

Today, seek to be as kind as you are. Don't lie. If you must, be unkind. It is only as the darkness is exposed--as the filth comes out from within the cup--that true righteousness and holiness reveals the forgiveness and goodness of God.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone. Blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." (Matthew 23:23-28)

For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. (Galatians 5:13-26)

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