Letter to an Older Woman

Ten years ago I wrote a letter from myself at age 35 to myself at age 50. I stumbled across it this morning and have found both encouragement and conviction. The print in italics is my husband's reply to "the younger woman." I pray you will be encouraged.

LETTER TO AN OLDER WOMAN

Dear Self at 50:

You feel very far away.  I have been looking for an older woman, so I’m writing to tell you who I’m looking for.  I want someone who will look me in the eye and ask how I’m doing while waiting for an honest reply.  After listening, she would ask if she could pray for a specific need.  I want someone who will encourage and correct me.  Encourage and correct, you ask?  Yes, even correct me.  I would love to have someone who will make that  kind of investment. 

Dear Self at 35:

I enjoyed hearing from you – how interesting, I seem far away to you, but you are so close to me.  It could have been yesterday, or so it seems.  I have a few words to say that I hope will encourage you, and help you to become who you want me to be.  Rest assured I am praying for you too!  I appreciate your desire to be corrected, so let me give you a loving correction before we talk more. Know that God created me unique, fashioned and gifted for His specific purpose.  He crafted every circumstance, event and experience in your life to specifically fulfill His design.  Oh dear me, please never forget that who you are and what you do matters very, very much, yet, they are valued and measured more differently than we can even imagine by Him.  Did you know that what you spend time doing each day is the choice our Lord made for you?  Thank you for working diligently and tirelessly to be that faithful servant that He called you to be.  Look around.  Great is your reward! Don’t you see how immense your influence is; don’t you see how you are impacting lives for eternity?

That’s a bit of what I hope you will be able to do for women like me when you’re older….  Yes, you’re right.  I should be doing that even now.  So what other things would I appreciate from someone like you, someone whose children are relatively independent?  Without putting an undo burden on someone (but I can ask you), it would be lovely if someone would watch our children for me once a month, even once every few months.  I rarely take someone up on an offer to “help out anytime.”  It’s easy to forget who has offered.  Please be someone who calls and says “When could I pick up the kids this week?” As an older woman, listen carefully to younger women and look for opportunities to help.

So, you did recognize that you don’t have to wait to be me to pick up the mantle.  What you may not have seen with total clarity is that you are already the “older woman” to many younger women.  They would eagerly sit at your feet for advice and encouragement.  In fact, there are times even now that they are quietly observing. Look around, don’t you see them in the shadows of busyness or hiding behind the distractions of clamoring children?  They ask for advice, watch to see how you manage, then measure your response.  Ah-h, looking back to where you are– that was when I was truly in my prime as a mentor. I taught by quiet example, selflessly reaching out from my busyness to minister.  Now, I only have words and those who don’t know my history can’t test me, validate me, or examine my legitimacy because they can’t see all that I share with them.   By the way, Self, did you forget that you husband was there to help when you need an escape?   I have learned more about him over the years and one thing I learned is that he has a great desire to meet your needs, but you have to ask.

Share yourself—not just your past, but also your present relationship with the Lord.  One of the most inspiring comments I remember came from a woman with older children who answered when I asked about her day:  “You know, I spent the day sitting in the backyard with my Bible and the Lord.  It was a really great day.”  Wow!  As a mother with four young children, I rarely sit anywhere for long without interruption, but this mother had made Christ her priority.  She gave me a glimpse of the glory I can look forward to.

I well remember the day when you reflected on this woman’s comment and anticipated the quietness and reflection of the future.  I agree that she made Christ a priority in her life.  However, I want this season of my life to be as full and satisfying as you imagine it will be.  To make that happen, you must seize and capture the small bits of quietness that He gives you now. Pursue them. Collect them.  Give some away to new and wonderful activities, let some be stolen by those you love, but keep enough back, so that in time, in His time, you can have a beautiful collection of quiet to give to your Lord only.

The two areas I’ve struggled with the most this last year are loneliness and a sense of lacking purpose.  I’d love to have a “mom” of my own nearby.  Do you know how priceless it would be to have a relationship with a woman who’s older than I am? As a wife and mom, you understand the unending laundry, cooking, cleaning and other menial tasks that sap time and energy.  Life can look bleak and senseless at times.  As a young woman who looks up to women your age, you would impact many lives if you would teach me the value of loving my husband and children, of being kind and self-controlled, effective at home and helpful to my husband (Titus 2:4-5).  Their importance remains critical, but they are difficult tasks, nonetheless.  Maybe you struggle with a sense of purpose yourself.  As life changes, being a mentor to younger women might establish God’s purpose for both you and the younger women you encounter.

Well – I have probably said too much and I need to run, but I did have a final point of encouragement.  Regarding all those unending laundry loads, meals, and dust mites you dealt with—they were more important than you might have imagined.  You made a difference daily in the lives of those God gave you, namely your husband and children.  Through your faithfulness, you opened doors for the kingdom of heaven.  While still on this side of eternity, we will neither understand nor see all the intricacies. Rest confidently, my former me, that in God’s plan, because you did His work, and fulfilled His plan, you made a difference in eternity that far –far—surpasses that of many who pursued the road more traveled.

As I’ve watched many older Christian women, I’ve wrestled anger.  My heart cries, “Why aren’t you teaching the younger women?  Do you see me?  I need you!”  Silence.  As a younger woman, I urge you -- I implore you -- to take up the mantle of mentoring younger women.  We are yearning to know you better.  We covet your guidance and nurturing.   Would you be vulnerable enough for us to learn from your mistakes and failures as well as your successes?  Please be one of those older women who will take the time to invest in the lives of younger women.  Invite yourself in.  Be a friend.  Offer to help.  Be obnoxious if you must, but get involved!

I wish I could know you now.  I’d love to see how God is working in your life and what the children are doing.  There are many things I’m curious about: Do you live in the same house?  What are you doing with your life now that you’ve “grown up?”  Have you returned to the working world?  All in time…. I know that the Lord is good.  Even now, He has given each of us a need to meet for others and an opportunity to meet others’ needs.   “…He knows how we are formed, and he remembers that we are dust”  (Psalm 103:14).  Thank you for being my dust-mate.

Because He is Faithful,

Your Younger Self

Hands of Hope

After yesterday's entry about our inability to control our children's choices, especially their decision to follow Christ, I took to heart the comment made there. If you would like to request prayer online for your child--still in your home or out on their own--you can add a comment to this entry or visit the facebook page, "Hands of Hope--Prayer for Our Children."

Simply list first names (no surnames, please) or initials. Look at the two entries above your own and pray for those children--specifically for repentance and a vibrant, growing walk with the Lord Jesus.  You can add their names every week.

Together, let's join our hands and voices to bring our children before the One who knows and loves them, our Father God, Elohim. El Shaddai. The I Am.

"The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.  Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed earnestly that it would not rain; and it did not rain on the land for three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth produced its fruit." James 5:16-18

"But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.  The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:8-9)

Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer. (Psalm 4:1)

A Hard Word for Parents

I'm a parent. A lot of my friends are parents--good parents who love their children. So when I visited Libby Anne's blog today, I was heartbroken. And fearful. I sat down and spun out hard, quick words; a reminder that, in loving our children and functioning in the midst of church circles, we may easily overlook this particular forest for the trees. The forest being that we do not, cannot, control our children's destiny. Each of us makes, and is responsible for, his own life choices.

Her biography begins, "I was raised in an evangelical family, was homeschooled, was taught to embrace courtship rather than dating, learned that women’s place is in the home, and was highly involved in the religious right." She speaks well of her parents, their values and home education. But after leaving home, her worldview changed.

Libby's writing flows comfortably, with depth. Her commentary is open and insightful and she welcomes differences of opinion. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know her through her blog, Love, Joy, Feminism.  As a result of her experience and voice, I am writing the following to those of us desiring to raise Godly children.

We can try to give our children the upbringing we never had; all of the good and none of the bad. But no matter how hard we try or what we sacrifice, they are real people. Individuals. They will make choices--wrong choices. And right choices. That's the free will of man. Sin happens. Sin is real. That's where God comes in. So let your children be who they are. Let them fail. It's okay if others see them make mistakes. And it's important for children to see their fallen-ness, to recognize they are sinners. Needy people. Let them struggle and get pinned to the ground and taste the grit of dust between their teeth.

Let your children see you fail.  Let them see you at the end of your rope, failing, apologizing, getting back on your feet. That's life. It's not wrong, it's reality. And reality, authenticity, in light of our glorious Redeemer, breeds hope.

Giving our children what we wanted for ourselves--public school, homeschool, Christian school, Tonka trucks-- doesn't solve their problems. It simply creates different ones. There is no magic recipe or set of 1-2-3's for raising Heaven-bound children. It doesn't matter if you homeschool because you missed out on a Christian upbringing or you want to mold them yourself. It doesn't matter if you work three jobs to give them everything you never had or plan extravagant vacations. The tragic piece of Libby Anne's story is that, despite living a God-centered life, she missed Christ. This is not to fault her parents--she shares wonderful, even admirable, experiences. But giving and praying and sacrificing does not create spiritual life. Regardless of my influence or goodness or gut-wrenching desire, I cannot instill a relationship with Christ in my children. I wish it were possible, but it's not. There is, however, one very important, comforting, necessary thing.

That one thing is me. My friendship with God. That's what I can do; it's what I have to give and model and share. By God's grace, I will discipline, instruct, raise, encourage and train our children--but the outcome is not mine.

It was during a one-on-one session with our 4-year-old Tasmanian Devil that the words came out: "I can't make you obey. I can set limits, I can discipline you, but I cannot make your choices. You will do what you will do." That was an incredibly freeing moment for both of us. In that moment I entrusted her to her Maker and acknowledged that I am no different. I confessed my sin, asked for her forgiveness and prayers. I am still confessing sin to our children, asking for their forgiveness and requesting their prayers. I don't like it. It's not easy. (My husband coaches me--one of the most humble, Godly men I know; an expert confessor.) But each of us is responsible for our choices. In that way, my child and I are no different.

In addition to fear for our children's future, fear of others is another motivator for trying to control our children's behavior and outcome. Those of us who are leaders or leader-wanna-be's must learn to acknowledge and deal with the desire to look good or spiritual if we are to guide our children with authenticity. When marriage, obedient children, an orderly home, successful ministry, appearance, career, etc. motivates me to do what is right, when other's impressions or thoughts of me and my children are more important than who I am before God--I am undone.

Parenting--it takes an incredible amount of grace. Wisdom. Patience. Love. And trust--trust that God will use me as He chooses, but these living, growing beings are not mine. So, parents (myself included), it's time to give it up. It's time to give up control, manipulating outcomes, tallying sacrifices, tucking thumbs behind suspender straps. It's time to replace fear of outcomes and fear of losing influence with a healthy fear of the Lord, one that trusts Him whole-heartedly.

Love your children. Respect them. Teach them. Free them. And be a living example of a heart set on loving God first and foremost.

With special thanks to Stuart Scott, co-author of "The Faithful Parent: A Biblical Guide to Raising a Family." For a similar post that direct homeschoolers, but is helpful for all of us, read Reb Bradley's article, "Homeschool Blindspots" on Josh Harris' blog.

 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.
“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deut. 6:4-9, emphasis added)
(The point being--if you read the whole passage--not that our children are just like us, or that we experience wonderful things and amazing grandchildren--but that God is good. He is the keeper, sustainer, provider.)