Confession of a Recovering People Pleaser

Only be as kind as you are.

After reading Lou Priolo's book, Pleasing People, I realized how much of my life functioned around others: their preferences, schedules, unspoken expectations. Almost everything I did was for, or because of, someone else. When I realized it was okay, godly even, to have preferences, I didn't know what they were. My default answer to "What would you like?" was, "I don't know" or "It doesn't matter. I'm good either way." Suddenly chocolate wasn't my favorite. Blue wasn't my color. It took time and prayer to work through who I was and who I wasn't.

Not falling in line for the sake of wanting to be liked or "nice," affected my relationships with others. I became brutally honest, refusing to flatter or bow to other's opinions. As I worked through what was true and what was not, I was no longer socially pleasing. Or nice. I wasn't kind, loving, or tasteful. I was an honest hot mess, fighting to do what was right and see the world the way it is, not the way people (or I) wanted it to be.

God graciously intervened. Honesty results in being marginalized, set aside, and discounted by others. Yes, God is Truth. He is also Love. I needed to learn the balance between the two. Thus today's proverb: "What is desirable in a man is his kindness, and it is better to be a poor man than a liar." (Proverbs 19:22). If Jewish literature proves true and each phrase defines the other, then we are known by our kindness. But if we cannot be kind, it's better to be friendless and poor. Don't lie as a means of pretending kindness and gaining friends; be who you are.

In my case, that meant I needed to change. Kindness is not a reflection of others; it is a reflection of my own heart, who I am. Kindness means letting go of my agenda and expectations. In kindness, I look for the image of God in others and respond based on who He is, instead of who I am or what I want.

Jesus was not nice. He was kind. And poor. But He was rich in relation to His Father. He was rich in deed. He, Himself, is the source of wealth: "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19).

The answer is not to "be nice" or act kind and lie to myself (and others). The thoughts in my head that are unkind, untrue, ungracious need to be captivated and taken to the cross. There, they must be sorted and my sinful desires crucified, mortified, put to death. Only then can I be lovingly, genuinely kind.

Today, seek to be as kind as you are. Don't lie. If you must, be unkind. It is only as the darkness is exposed--as the filth comes out from within the cup--that true righteousness and holiness reveals the forgiveness and goodness of God.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone. Blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." (Matthew 23:23-28)

For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, beware lest you be consumed by one another!

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. (Galatians 5:13-26)

Prayer--A Hard Question

When I'm counseling, I try to give people a heads up before asking a hard question. So, here's your warning. Are you ready?

When you pray, are you more interested in how you will be justified the sight of others, in the ease and relief that comes with God's provision, or glorifying Him?

I recently read the simple story of the ten lepers who cried out for mercy, were healed, and only one returned to give thanks. That one was a Samaritan. He couldn't go and show himself to the priest as Jesus commanded because he was not welcome in the temple. Infirmity makes strange bedfellows. Nine were Jews. One was Samaritan. They lived together. Walked together. Requested healing together. But when healing came, there was a division. 

Now one of them, when he saw that he had been healed, turned back, glorifying God with a loud voice, and he fell on his face at His feet, giving thanks to Him. And he was a Samaritan. (Luke 16:15-16)

And he was a Samaritan. Oh, by the way. If you hadn't noticed. It might make a difference... He wasn't concerned about what the priests or his community would say or the benefits his healing would provide in that moment. He was moved with gratitude at the generous goodness of our kind, loving Savior. "He turned back." How often do we turn back to God when He answers our prayers beneficially? Or how often do we fail to stop and give thanks?

"...glorifying God with a loud voice..." How consistently do let others know God has answered my prayers and so we can glorify Him together? So they can see and experience the goodness of God?

"...and he fell on his face at His feet, giving thanks to Him." Praise takes time. Worship takes effort. It is an outpouring of heartfelt gratitude and humility.

"And he was a Samaritan." Those on the outside are often much more genuine and expressive than those of us in the church. Isn't that sad? Shouldn't it be the other way around? But we expect God to do things for us. We expect Him to answer prayer. We have expectations as His children.... and we often respond as naughty, spoiled children do.

Maybe today it's time to rekindle love and affection for God, to confess a heart of entitlement, privilege and consumerism. Maybe it's time to praise Him with a loud voice, falling on our face at His feet and giving thanks..because He is worthy.

...the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each one holding a harp and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. And they *sang a new song, saying,

“Worthy are You to take the book and to break its seals; for You were slain, and purchased for God with Your blood men from every tribe and tongue and people and nation.

“You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to our God; and they will reign upon the earth.”

Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne and the living creatures and the elders; and the number of them was myriads of myriads, and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice,

“Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing.”

And every created thing which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all things in them, I heard saying,

“To Him who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb, be blessing and honor and glory and dominion forever and ever.”

And the four living creatures kept saying, “Amen.” And the elders fell down and worshiped.
(Revelation 5:9-14)

Who Worships a Baby?

After coming into the house they saw the Child with Mary His mother; and they fell to the ground and worshiped Him. Then, opening their treasures, they presented to Him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. (Matthew 2:11)

So who really worships a baby? These were grown, educated men who fell down in the presence of the infant Jesus. When this Scripture was read aloud, I had to wonder at the freedom and devotion that moved the magi to worship Jesus. They did not worship out of forced submission or acquiescence. Their worship was not grudging, resentful, or jealous. The worship of the magi was costly in time, money, and effort; lavish expression and absolute disregard for self-exaltation.

The price only began to reflect the worth of Jesus. They had no way of knowing, no way of comprehending the value of Christ. None of us does. God in flesh? Who can fully comprehend it? Perhaps they were resting on this promise:

For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us;
And the government will rest on His shoulders;
And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.
There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace,
On the throne of David and over his kingdom,
To establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness
From then on and forevermore.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will accomplish this. (Isaiah 9:6-7)

This--this is what brings worship, praise, and adoration. Jesus became a man. God in flesh dwelt among us. Incomparable. Unfathomable. The omnipotent One: Almighty. The omniscient One: all knowing. The omnipresent One now, by choice, limited to a human vessel. Good. Always, wholly good. Light, without even a shadow of darkness. Love that encompasses and redeems the guilty. Grace personified. This One chose to come to us. Confined to a physical vessel in a world ruled by His supreme, unseen enemy, Jesus would experience and walk among His creation. Unheard of!

He would then give Himself over to be wrongly charged, beaten, abused, spat upon and gruesomely executed, receiving in His spirit God's judgment and wrath for the sin of the world. We cannot begin to bear the weight of our own sin, how can we begin to understand Jesus' love for us?

This is who the Magi worshiped. This is who we worship. A baby? Briefly. And in that wee One was the promise of eternity, the life of God eternal, the hope of the world. He was worthy of the magi's adoration. He is worthy--worthy of more than we could ever bring or hope to entrust to His care. That is why we worship. Knowledge of the Holy One moves us to trust and obedience. Who am I to know or say what is just, right and good? Absolute? In the presence of Majesty, I loose my hold, my demands for my desires, my way, my limited ability to know what is best. I bow, submit, and confidently place my heart and life at the feet of the Master.

There is liberty in acknowledging Christ and my rightful place. There is joy, peace, contentment, grace--all the good and none of the bad. Worshiping Jesus is a win-win. Dying to self and receiving His payment for my sin--as one little girl said, is "too good to be true." The only thing I have to lose is myself, my desire for sin, destruction, madness, and folly.

Where is your worship today? You and I always worship something. May we, like the magi, give of ourselves--uninhibited, unhindered, unreservedly.

He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything. For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.

And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach— if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister. (Colossians 1:15-23)